Spill Your Gut is Moral Pleasure's regular intrusive dissection of the dietary habits of a modern sap. This week on Spill Your Guts we're thrusting our nose through the innards of Rex Threepwood, a professional knacker from Highgate, London. What sort of ungodly filth does Rex pack in his face over the course of a week?
Tutting disappovingly will be "Doctor" Ginger McHucknall, London's top Nutritionalism Therapist, with a Black Belt in Foodosophy from the Wahcoma E-nstitute Of Doctology in Florida.
1: GLASS OF WATER.
Water, a byproduct of the raining process, is one of those human vices which has for years been thought completely harmless, and up until recently was even considered essential for the functioning of the human body. At the W.E.D. I pioneered new studies into the negative side-effects of drinking water, such as the increased frequency of urination after consumption. When forced to consume extremely large volumes of the drink - for the sake of our experiment we used four thousand gallons - the subject invariably drowned.
After such sobering results, I have almost entirely abstained from water. I would heartily advise Rex to do the same, perhaps substituting his usual glass of water for a tumbler of gin. Consumers ought to be wary, as water is completely tasteless, odourless and colourless: traits which have unfortunately contributed to its popularity amongst athletes.
2: FRUIT SALAD
Fruit kills more people every year than war, mosquitoes and death combined. The government's latest drive to coerce everyone in the country to eat five pieces of fruit a day has gone down like an iron shit in the world of Nutritionalism. Five pieces of fruit a day statistically quintuples one's chances of choking to death: a fate which can be almost entirely avoiding by simply drinking five tumblers of gin a day, interspersed with an occasional handful of soup. The brazen marketeering of high profile fruit lobbyists is a wholly political. It is hard to find a single MP in Westminster these days whose ideals are not tarnished by the almighty Plum Dollar.
Furthermore, our crazed Cox-gobbling lust for fruit in the West fuels global warming by almost 47% each day. To avoid bruising, each apricot is flown individually to our supermarkets, on a First Class seat. In fact, it was an incident with an unseatbelted prune that led to the deaths of Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the Big Bopper.
3: ORGANIC PORK AND LEEK SAUSAGE
According to the packet, which I'm reading as I munch disgustedly through Rex's sausages, these bangers are produced using exclusively British meat, exclusively on British farms. This is so thoroughly unethical on so many levels at once, I can scarcely finish eating the entire lot. By buying locally grown and produced food, made here in Britain, you are leaving a poor foreign farmer completely in the lurch. The label also has a miniature Union Jack logo on it, which I suspect to be indicative of racist sympathies on the part of the pigs or the farmers or more likely both. Instead of buying racist sausages from inbred English trolls, you should have all your food flown over from overseas.
On second thoughts, foreign-grown food leaves you with carbon footprint blood all over your hands, so don't do that either. Just try to cut anything made nearby and anything made far away out of your diet altogether. You could probably stand to lose the weight anyway, blubs.
4: BEEF DRIPPING PIE WITH ALL-BUTTER CRUST
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Breathe a sigh of relief! At last something health-conscious. Not only is dripping pie a delicious accompaniment to a tumbler of gin on a hot summer's day, it also contains staggeringly high levels of cholesterol.
Time for a science lesson! Cholesterol is a kind of 'friendly fat' which the body uses to thicken and lubricate the arterial walls around the heart. The heart is the organ we use to pump useful substances such as blood and gin around the body, and as such it is crucial that the arteries are kept in excellent working order. Eating several dripping pies a day will ensure Rex's circulatory system is coated in a thick shield of cholesterol and should prevent him from any risk of heart attack.
Good work, Rex!
5: VITAMIN C SUPPLEMENTS
We've all grown up supplementing our diets with vitamin pills, and who can blame us? Pills, we've been told, can help prevent scurvy, vastly increase our sex drive, help us feel the emotion known as love, and facilitate an escape from The Matrix. However, recent studies have shown that vitamin supplements are completely, utterly, 100% useless and do not work in any way recognised by science. My advice to Rex would be: don't waste your money. Vitamin pills are merely a scam designed to prey on suckers and hypochondriacs.
You'll be glad to know, though, that my own line of supplements ('"Doctor" Ginger McHucknall's Magic Bean Solutions') are completely, utterly, 100% effective. It's proven. My good friend "Professor" John Hell, head of Provenology at Qualifications-Online.tv, has given his stamp of approval to the entire product line.
Why not pick up a crate or two today? Or maybe you'd rather have rickets!
6: STRAWBERRY FRUBE
I have absolutely no idea what this is.
7: IVORY-COATED FOIE GRAS CAT NIPPLES
My horror and disgust at seeing this product on Rex's food list is so intense I had to pull out several of my own teeth to calm down. In what world could such a thing be deemed acceptable? What kind of depraved, degraded, sick creature would let it pass their lips? It is a hideous, hideous crime on every ethical count I can imagine, and Rex should have every orifice sewn shut with barbed wire for even contemplating it. EACH packet contains over 10g of salt.
Thankfully, reduced sodium Ivory-Coated Foie Gras Cat Nipples are now available from selected stores, so the rest of us can continue to enjoy this delicious snack with peace of mind.
8: SWIFTCO's 'MODEST PROPOSALS'
Alright, Brown-nose points for this one, Rex! As we all know, I've been endorsing Swiftco's Modest Proposals on this blog for some time now, as well as in a very lucrative TV campaign. And I stick to my convictions: this is an excellent product.
There has been an awful lot of concern recently about the so-called 'meat crisis'. As China and India's middle classes grow, and with it the worldwide demand for meat, it is going to become increasingly difficult to meet (no pun intended!) everyone's needs. Swiftco have come up with an ingenious solution: not only are Modest Proposals 'modest in fat, boastful on taste!', to quote the advert, but they're also a completely sustainable substitute for normal meat.
Just don't ask me for the recipe... Shhh! It's a secret!
9: GNAWING YOUR FIST IN BLIND DESPAIR
Probably the most commendable item on the list. Gnawing your fist in blind despair is extremely low in calories and salt, and leaves virtually no carbon footprint. If Moral Pleasure readers aren't already, I would whole-heartedly recommend gnawing your fist in blind despair.
GINGER'S DIAGNOSIS:
In an ideal world, Rex would be dead within the month. Heed my suggestions, and he might just delay the inevitable for a couple more years.
Peace,
"Doctor" Ginger McHucknall
